Kinda I Want To
by Trina and Crystal
Summary: Songfic inspired by Kinda I Want To by Nine Inch Nails. *Incest Warning* Matt knows he shouldn't have Jeff but he takes what he wants. Characters: Matt & Jeff Hardy Written by: Crystal


**Kinda I Want To**

_I can't shake this feeling from my head. There's a devil sleeping in my bed. He's watching you from across the way. I cannot make this feeling go away _

I stare across the room at my brother, taking in every detail. His hair, wet from the shower he has just taken. Green with hints of yellow, the loose strands clinging to his face so beautifully. He brow furrowed in concentration as he writes out his latest poem. My eyes travel down his face, taking in every feature. He lips are curved into a frown. I wonder what he is writing, why it makes him frown. Could he be thinking the same thing as me, and now putting it into his own words. He never lets me see his poetry anymore, and maybe that is the reason. He's writing about me, writing about the same feelings I have inside.

_I know it's not the right thing. And I know it's not the good thing. But kinda I want to_

I know I shouldn't feel this way. He's my brother for Christ sake, my flesh and blood. Yet I do feel this way, I have for months, years, hell even I have lost track. It's not right to feel this way, but whenever he's around I feel whole, complete. I fear that if I let him go, let him go to someone else, I would not be able to live. I love him so completely, more completely than a brother ever should. I want to be with him in every sense of the word. I want to be joined to him forever, mind, body, and soul, as both his brother, and his lover. I want to feel, smell, and taste, everything that is him. I want to feel it flowing through me, completing me in the most intimate of ways. I want to make love to him.

_I'm not sure of what I should do. When everything I'm thinking is of you. _

But how can I tell him this. He would hate me, he would call me sick, and never want to be near me again. But what if I do tell him, and he feels the same. I can't risk telling him, and having it tear us apart, but not telling him is tearing me apart inside. My every thought somehow traces back to him. I can't get him out of my head. I'm an addict, and my brother is the drug. I want that drug. I want what is so wrong, what I should not have. I need him. I need him to feel the same. I need all of him with me forever.

_All my excuses turn to lies. Maybe God will cover up his eyes_

He looks up at me, as if he can feel my eyes on him. If he could only hear my thoughts, so I would not have to tell him how I truly feel.

"Something wrong Matty?" he asks.

"No Jeff, I'm fine."

There I go lying to him again. I'm not fine, I haven't been fine for months. These thoughts are eating away at my sanity.

"You don't look fine Matty," He closes his notebook, and gets up walking over to me. I'm begging for him not to touch me. His touch will spark my arousal, and I cannot let him see that. He sits down next to me on the bed, and puts his hand on my thigh. Oh god. I take a deep breath. He looks into my eyes and asks me again, "What's wrong Matty? Please tell me."

"I'm fine Jeff, maybe I'm just tired from the flight."

"That's not it Matty, I can tell. Please Matty, I'm your brother, tell me."

That's the whole problem Jeff, you're my brother. I can't tell you, you'll hate me.

_I know it's not the right thing. And I know it's not the good thing. But kinda I want to. Kinda I want to_

He's looking into my eyes, and rubbing my thigh, I pray he doesn't move his hand any higher, or he'll feel what his touch is doing to me. I look away from him, as I feel a tear trickle down my face. Some tough big brother I am. He places his finger at my cheek and turns my face to meet his. He caresses my face, wiping the tear from my cheek with his thumb.

"What is it Matty, please tell me. I don't like seeing you like this."

I slowly look into his eyes, and start to speak, "I. . .I love you Jeff."

"I know Matty, and I love you too." he says quietly still looking in my eyes. I have to look away before I get lost in his. I take his hand from my face, and get up, walking over to the window. "You don't understand Jeff, I love you," my voice falls to a whisper, "more than a brother"

I hear him get up, and now he's walking over to me. He stops behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder forcing me to turn and face him.

"I love you more than a brother too."

The tears are flowing from my eyes again. "No Jeff you don't understand. I want you to be in every part of my life. I want you as my brother, and. . ." I can't finish the sentence.

_Maybe just for tonight. We can pretend it's alright. What's the price I pay. I don't care what they say. _

Why can't I tell him, he's my brother, my life. It's fear that holds me back. Fear that he won't feel the same. Fear that I will lose him forever. Fear that once I tell him, I cannot take it back and he will hate me for the rest of his life. He pulls me close, whispering in my ear, "What do you want Matty?" I take a deep breath, then whisper against his neck, "I want you as my lover Jeff. I want you completing me in everyway possible." Now I hear him sniffling. Oh god, what have I done. Why is he crying? He pulls me from him, and looks directly into my eyes, with tears streaming down his face. "Matt, I want that too. I've wanted it for so long, but I was afraid to tell you. Afraid to lose you forever." My heart skipped a beat at his words. He did feel the same. Exactly the same, the fear, the love, he felt it all too.

_I want to. I want to (I'll take my chance tonight)_

He takes my hand and leads me back to the edge of the bed.

"Matt, I want you to make love to me. I want you to complete me, in a way that only you can."

The tears start flowing again, but not sad tears, tears of happiness.

"Jeff. . ." he brings a finger to my lips stopping me before I can finish the sentence.

"Matt please, I've wanted to feel this for so long, let's not ruin it with talk."

My grip tightens on his hand as I pull him closer to me, slowly leaning down, letting my lips brush his. A jolt of fire goes through my body. I slid a hand up his back as I slowly press our lips together, and he opens his mouth to me immediately. My tongue slips inside tasting the sweetness I've been longing for. He moans into my mouth, as he tangles his tongue with mine, deepening the kiss. I moan as I feel his hand pulling my hair from it's restraint and letting it fall gracefully down my back. He runs his hand through my hair, as my hands slid down his back, pushing us together tightly. He breaks the kiss with a gasp. He can feel my arousal. He can feel how much I want this. He drops his hands from my hair down to my shirt slowly pulling it from my body.

He tosses it aside and his hands are on me immediately, sliding up my sides, across my chest barely brushing my nipples, and I moan his name, "Jeff." I reach out for his shirt, and slowly unbutton it as I softly kiss his neck. My hands slip inside his shirt, caressing his stomach, and his chest, up to his shoulders and I push the material off them, and his shirt puddles on the floor. He is moaning quietly at my touch, and it is music to my ears, knowing that I am making him feel this way. His hands slip down my stomach and slowly unzip my pants, and I let them fall to the floor. I kick them aside as I my hands reach his slowly unbuttoning them, letting them slip from him to the floor. He kicks them aside, and pulls me close again, kissing me, his tongue learning every inch of my mouth. He hands slip down to my ass, squeezing it lightly through my black silk boxers. I pull away with a gasp as I feel our arousals gently rub together. He backs into the bed, pulling my down on top of him. My mouth is on him instantly, taking a nipple into my mouth and sucking on it gently. He tangles his hand in my hair and moans my name over and over.

"Matt. . . .Matt. . .Matt. . ." I lick across his chest to the other nipple, swirling my tongue around it before taking it into my mouth and gently tugging at it. I run my hands up his thighs and he arches up off the bed, his body begging me for more. I release his nipple and places soft kisses down his stomach. I stop at the waistband of his red silk boxers and look up at him.

His eyes connect with mine, "Please Matt. . ." He looks so beautiful right now, his hair amiss, his cheeks flushed, his eyes a dark emerald green. I move down his body, sliding his boxers down slowly, and tossing them aside. His cock is hard as a rock, the tip sparkling with his arousal. I lick my lips, and lean down to flick my tongue over the tip, tasting him for the first time. He lets out a small gasp. My eyes slip closed savoring his unique taste. It leaves me craving more. I take the head into my mouth, sucking it softly, and watch him. His eyes roll back, and he moans low in his throat. He hips arch towards me begging for more. I comply, slowly inch him down my throat, swirling my tongue around every inch. He throws his head back moaning nonstop.

"Oh Matt. . . .Mmmmm. . .so good. . ." I bring my hands up caressing his thighs as I move on him slowly alternating between sucking and swirling my tongue.

"Oh god. . .oh Matt. . .I'm. . .Mmmmm. . .I'm gonna. . ." I stop immediately and pull of him. He looks down at me and whimpers.

I stand up and take off my boxers, "I don't want you cumming till I'm inside you. I want to feel it Jeff. I want to feel it from the inside." His only response is to moan. I walk over to my bag and grab the lube from it. I come back to him and kneel between his legs, and open the lube, putting some on my fingers. He watches me with eager anticipation in his eyes. I set the lube aside, and slowly slip a slick finger into him. He moans loudly writhing under my touch. I add another stretching him slowly. I brush a finger past his spot and he nearly screams.

"Matt, Please. . .I need you. . .now."

I slip my fingers out from him and he whimpers quietly as I spread the lube over my cock. I reach out to him and pull him up. I kiss him deeply as I lift him up and then slowly down onto my cock. I break the kiss with a low growl in the back of my throat. His tight heat is like a velvet vise around my cock.

"Mmmm. . .Jeff. . .so tight. . .Mmmm."

I pull him tightly against me as slowly rock into him, looking deep into his eyes, "I love you Jeff." The tear start to stream down both our faces again. He throws his arms around my neck.

"I love you too Matt. . .so much."

I capture his lips in another searing kiss as I start to move faster. He moans into my mouth, and I can feel his cock throbbing against me. I deepen the kiss as my hand slides down his stomach, and I stroke him in rhythm with my thrusts.

He breaks the kiss, "Ooooohhh Matttt. . .Mmmm. . .gonna. . .GOD. . .MAAAATTTTTTT!"

He comes hard splashing all over us, and I can feel him clenching tightly around my cock, and that forces me over the edge.

I bury my head in his neck, "MMmmm I love you. . .JEFFFFFFFFFFF!"

I cum hard spurting over and over deep inside him. We slowly rock together breathing heavily.

He whispers against my neck, "I love you Matt."

I move to face him and kiss him softly, my hands lovingly caressing his back. I help him gently slid off me and he lays down. I lay down next to him pulling him into my arms.

"You don't know how long I've wanted this."

"Yes I do Matt, I've been wanting it just as long." He leaned over and kissed me softly. I sigh watching him as he falls asleep in my arms.

"Now I am complete." I sigh again as I drift off to sleep.


End file.
